Limiting Beliefs: Creativity

Why is it so difficult to spend time on creativity?

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about why it is has been so hard to write and create. I have so many thoughts bubbling around in my head. I have these really big story ideas and I probably have the rough skeleton outline for 3-4 books.

So, why can’t I just sit down to write them and get them out of my head? Why do I tend to freeze whenever I get a few moments to focus on my writing? Why is procrastination or getting distracted with things that are not important so much easier than doing the thing that makes me happy?

For the last few years, I have been listening to self-help books and podcasts and youtube videos. Over and over again, I have heard about something called a “limiting belief.” The idea behind a limiting belief is that it is a belief engrained inside of us, that is holding us back. It’s those small negative thoughts that either society or our lived experience or our early care takers have taught us through either their words or their actions.

For me, it’s something like: Creative work isn’t worth anything because you won’t/can’t make money doing it. Creative work is selfish and indulgent. You should be spending time and energy on something that will either make money or be of service to someone else. Creative work is “hard,” it’s easier to not do it. You aren’t good at this creative thing. Why bother?

Do these sound familiar to you? Do you have any limiting beliefs? What does your internal dialogue sound like?

At this point, I’m trying to make myself aware of these limiting beliefs. I think the next step is trying to overcome them or rewrite them. To be honest, I am struggling with this step. These mental grooves are so well-worn, my brain already knows the steps to take to get me through to the part where I do not write or do anything creative. How do I overcome these ideas that I have been carrying around for my entire life?

I’m not sure. But, I do believe that creating and writing will continue to be difficult for me until I can overcome these limiting beliefs.

What Makes a Male Character Attractive

I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a male character attractive to male-attracted readers. As a romance reader and writer, there are so many things that can attract me to a male character.

Bad boy biker with a heart of gold? A golden retriever gamer boy who has an oral fixation? Alien barbarian looking for a mate? A mafia boss just waiting to find his Fem-Domme? A cinnamon roll English teacher who loves to cook for his partner?

All of these could be the male hero in a romance novel that gets my engine revving. But, the one thing that they all have to have is respect for the heroine. The idea of a successful, powerful and attractive man finds a woman also attractive is not enough. As readers (and writers), if we are inserting ourselves into the heroine role, we want the hero’s respect. That he could see the totality of us without shying away from it, without being afraid or threatened by it, but by being *turned on* by it. 

I have seen plenty of examples in media. I love how Lenny Bruce in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel treats Midge. He isn’t threatened by her comedic genius. He doesn’t discourage her or degrade Midge, he encourages her. Lenny wants her to step up to the plate and fulfill her destiny of being great. But, not only does he see her as a comedic equal, he is turned on by her courage, by her being funny, by her pushing the limits.

Look at the way he’s looking at her! That’s the good stuff

This probably goes way back to my obsession with Cory and Topanga from Boy Meets World. He looks at her this way because magnificent and amazing. Even if he doesn’t understand her at times, he respects her. He looks at her with awe, because that’s what she deserves. He doesn’t even have to think about it. It just washes over him.

The heroine is vexing and confusing and amazing in all the right ways. And the BEST kind of heroes see her and love her for all of it.

I May have a type 😉

What about you? What’s your favorite kind of romantic hero? What makes it all worth it to you?

Beginning Again: When Life Puts You Back at the Starting Line

I don’t know about you, dear reader, but this has been one hell of a year.

It feels like life keeps pushing me back to the starting line of life. I started my running habit up again in October, but a family emergency left my running shoes dusty for most of December. I tried to record my writing progress through various apps in January but the spreadsheets were empty in March. When I finally start having a good run for a few weeks, something always set me back. Illness, family emergencies, work stress, family dynamics, personal mental health struggles, creative burnout, the world being on fire, etc etc. There’s no shortage of things that have set me back and there’s only one thing left to do: BEGIN AGAIN.

Being back at the starting line of building a habit or starting a new health program or trying to jumpstart your career can feel like Sisyphus being at the bottom of the hill. Why bother? Why even start again if I’m not going to get any further? What’s the point of all of this??? That negative self-talk is VERY easy to drop into when I feel like it. And I can wallow in the nihilism like the best of them, but in the wise words of Smash mouth’s All Star: the years start coming and they don’t stop coming.

We’re all on this Earth for however long we’re here, so we can lay in our little pits of despair, or we can start again. Let’s get to it.

The good news

The good news is that you have been here before. You’ve already been at the starting line before BUT you know more now. The road, as far as you have made it in the past, is not new to you. You already know the terrain. You know where the flat road is and where you’re going to need to stop to rest. You know where the best water break spots are and where your best cheerleaders will be sitting on the sidelines. This is not new and neither are you. You are smarter now and braver and stronger, even and especially if you don’t believe in yourself.

You CAN do this part because you’ve done it before. You are at the starting line but you are not a newbie. Rock this shit faster and better than you have before. You have the fight inside of you. No need to even wait for the starting pistol, just lace up and let your legs fly.

FLY.

Becoming the Main Character of Your Life

How does someone become the main character of their own life?

I know that this probably seems like a crazy question to someone with a strong sense of self, someone who feels sure of themselves and the things that they want out of their life. If you already are living your best Main Character life, you can feel free to skip over this post.

But for those of you who are still trying to find yourself, or maybe re-finding yourself, please join me here.

I had my first kid almost 9 years ago and very quickly discovered that I underwent an entire identity shift. I was no longer “me.” I was “Mom” and that was intense. I threw myself into motherhood in a way that I haven’t thrown myself into anything before or since.

And now, 9 years later, both of my kids are going to go into school in the fall and I’m sitting here staring in the mirror without knowing who I really am. Who I really want to be when I grow up.

So, this is me trying to figure that out. I want to be the Main Character of my own life. I’ve spent a lot of time being a supporting character for my husband’s career and my kids’ childhoods, but I think it’s time for me.

What is Main Character Energy?

Have you ever walked down the street with headphones in and pretend that the song that is playing is some sort of television or movie montage music made specially for you? THAT is Main Character Energy!

Here are some things that I’m going to start doing to begin living my Main Character Life:

-Wear clothes that make me feel great: In a book or a movie, the main character is never really wearing clothing that makes them feel awful unless it is part of the plot! Unless I’m in the Dark Night plot beat, there’s no reason to not treat myself like I’m the most important character in my life.

–Eat great food: I have never read a book where the characters are eating terrible food and feeling good about it. Again, unless it furthers the story, they usually are living their best life! So, why can’t I? Why should I subject myself to eating cold leftover mac and cheese over the sink? Don’t I deserve the fancy pants ramen or a cocktail that takes more than 5 seconds to throw together? (Obviously, there is financial privilege to being able to buy/cook food that makes you feel better, but this about realizing the things you CAN control and doing them.)

–Have fun! I love the stories where the main characters are having a night out montage to pumping dance music or the road trip with their friends or a night of gossiping with red wine. As a reader, these scenes let us know that these characters are fun, relatable and that they deserve their HEA. Don’t I deserve a HEA? I AM fun and relatable! I deserve to live a life like I am.

–Reserve the right to make different choices: Characters are dynamic and stories follow the arc towards the conclusion/HEA because the characters decide to make a different choice. There’s something that makes them different from the opening scene to the climax to the last scene. We read books and watch movies to see something happen. But, these things can’t happen unless someone is making a change. They are growing, they are deciding to go off the path, there is no going back. I want to start living my life that way. I want to reserve the right to change my mind, to not go back. Even if I don’t have the support or census of everyone I love. I reserve the right to make choices different than I have before because I am seeking to be different. I want to grow and change. I desire to be dynamic. And the only way to be dynamic is to live it. So, I’m deciding that I am.

I’m the Main Character of my own life. And I’m ready to start living like I am.

Do you have any advice that I should be following? Any suggestions for taking control of my life and stopping letting it happen to me? I’m done living like that. I’m LIVING life now.

On Avoiding Therapy Homework

I am writing this blog post because I am actively avoiding doing my therapy homework. This homework is to write an aspirational obituary. What would I like my life to look like when I and my loved ones have the opportunity to look back on it? What kind of woman do I want to be? What do I want my life to look like?

For some people, this assignment probably looks fun, even hopeful, but for someone who has a lot of cognitive distortions, like myself, I tend to look on the gloom and doom of things, I tend to have these limiting beliefs about myself. I don’t believe that I deserve to have nice things or that I have to “earn” my way into love and goodness. On a logical level, I truly do believe that every person has inherent worth and goodness, that everyone deserves the best chance at happiness, but I cannot seem to extend that same kindness to myself.

So, this exercise feels PAINFUL. I’ve put it off for 3 weeks and now, my therapy appointment is tomorrow. I either have to do the assignment or go to my appointment and explain why I couldn’t/didn’t do it. At this point, I’m not sure what would be the worse experience.

I’m a HUGE advocate for therapy. I think everyone has something to learn from the experience of self-discovery and exploration. But, doing the work of therapy and getting the desired results from therapy (if those desired results include growth and change and not just reassurance and kindness) can be incredibly difficult. The “homework” is designed to stretch us and push us to our limits, make us dive deep into the beliefs and feelings that have been ruling our lives up until this point.

And honestly, I’m stomping my foot and whining that I don’t want to doooooo ittttt right now. I want it to be easy. I want to wake up one day and just be different. And I’m entirely standing in my own damn way to actually accomplishing any change and growth.

You might be avoiding your therapy homework because you don’t want to face the darkness that you know is waiting for you there. Maybe the wound is a little too raw and the pain would be a lot to handle. Maybe it’s because it is “easier” to keep living the way that you already know. The devil you know versus the one you don’t. Maybe diving into the unknown world of possibilities seems too scary to you and you’d rather live in a “safe” but limited world that you have created for yourself.

When I’ve gotten to explore why I’m avoiding doing this exercise (that would probably take me all of 15 minutes), I know all of these things to be true about myself. It IS “easier” to walk the same well-worn ruts of my mind rather than strike out and forge new paths. It is scary to walk into the dark woods off the path, no matter what excitement and goodness might be hiding right behind the edge of my vision.

But, I also know that I have decided to go back to therapy for a reason. I don’t want to keep living the way that I have been. I want to grow. I NEED TO GROW. And growth is hard and seemingly impossible and completely worth doing.

So, I’m going to stomp and whine a little more, but I’m going to buckle down and get the work done too. I owe it to myself.

You owe it to yourself to do the hard work of growing and changing. You owe it to your future self to try and live the life that they will be proud of. You deserve it. You are worthy. Even if it’s painful, even if it’s scary, even if challenges all the things that you have previously believed about yourself, you can do it. I believe in you.

How to Change Your Life With Words: Why Affirmations and Self-Talk is Important

Why you need to start using Affirmations

If you are reading this blog, you probably already know the power of words in our daily lives. You are a reader. You are a writer or a creative. Words can change the way music sounds in our ears. They can invoke memories or visceral feelings.

Affirmations, also known as mantras, can help change the way that you feel about your life and maybe even change the trajectory of it. If you are feeling low or lacking self-confidence, there’s a good chance that your internal monologue, the way that you talk to yourself, reflects those low feelings. Maybe you are putting yourself down or repeating criticisms that you have heard before or replaying bad memories or anticipating future failures.

When you are feeling low and your self-talk is low energy or unsupportive, it’s so easy to keep that low feeling because you are reinforcing your own narrative. You’re telling yourself the same crappy stories and then your life seems to be crappy too. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you can believe something about a person and then that person’s behavior fulfills your expectations, the same can be true about yourself.

If you only believe that you will fail, you will continue to fail. If you think that your neighbor will always be a jerk to you, it’s likely that they will continue to act in jerky ways towards you.

Now, let’s flip that around. What if you start believing that you are worthy of great things? What if you start predicting your success? What if you start believing that you are a kind and compassionate person? Don’t you think that you will start behaving in kind and compassionate ways? Don’t you think that you will keep your head up a little higher and carry yourself with more confidence?

I have found in my practice that affirmations work well when I keep them in mind throughout my day. With my Morning Pages routine, I have been also including a gratitude practice where I list ten items that I am grateful for and daily affirmations. I pick three a day.

I write them down. I have them written on my daily planner page and on post-it notes on my bathroom mirror. The more that I remind myself, the more that this practice has become second nature.

Some of my favorite affirmations:

• I am fearless.
• I am surrounded by abundance.
• I am grateful for my life, each and every day.
• My heart is open.
• I recognize my good qualities.
• I make mistakes, I am not a mistake.
• I am accepting of others and myself.
• I experience joy.
• Today, I choose happiness.
• I have the support of caring people.
• I am whole and good.
• I take full charge of my life today.
• I trust my thoughts and emotions.
• I cannot hate myself and heal.
• I am a friend to myself.
• My contributions to the world are valuable.

I have a spreadsheet (nerdy, I know!) that I created a few years ago to give myself weekly affirmations that I shared with friends. I also post affirmations on my Instagram story and have a bunch in my highlights, so come over and take a look!

I have since upped my practice into three daily affirmations. So, you can start small. Pick one thing to focus on this week. Say the words out loud to yourself while making eye contact in the mirror. Write the words every morning in the corners of your planner. Tell your friends that you are trying something new. Now, sit in the feelings that come up for you. How do those affirmations make you feel? Do you feel more powerful, self-assure? Do you worry more or less? Does your spine feel a little straighter, your handshake a little tighter?

I admit that this will probably seem a little woo-woo if you aren’t used to therapy talk or you are new to the self-improvement world, but lean into it. Give it a month. It’s a free thing to try and it certainly couldn’t hurt.

Remember that words are powerful. The way that you talk to yourself is the most powerful voice in your life. Make sure those words are kind, assuring, and confidence building.

I’d love to hear what affirmations mean to you or if you have a favorite that I should add to my list.

Get some therapy. Your characters and readers will thank you.

If you are one to immediately bristle at the idea of going to therapy, hang with me for just a little bit longer. Despite the rising popularity of talk therapy and the destigmatization of getting assistance with mental health, some people are still uncomfortable with the idea of sharing their most intimate secrets with a stranger, even and especially if you pay them.

But, I’ll fully admit that I’ve been in some form of therapy on and off for the last 15 years. I do have mental illnesses and at certain parts of my life, therapy helped me immensely and probably kept me alive. I know that I couldn’t possibly have the kind of fulfilling life and relationships that I currently have without the assistance of professional help.

Enough about me, let’s talk about you. Even if you aren’t mentally ill, even if you seem to have a pretty charmed life, therapy can help you and it can help your writing. The greatest value of therapy is insight. It’s learning about different perspectives and about why people in general, and you as an individual, make the choices that they do. This insight into human sociology and development can make you a kinder person, more empathetic and hopefully give you a bit of self-assurance, but it can also open the doors to the internal world of everyone around you if you so choose.

Once you gain a greater understanding about how different people function, how trauma and privilege have shaped our lives, how people can decide about changing their lives, you can be a better writer. (And a better person)

Character arcs—how characters change over the course of a story—are paramount to creating engaging stories that stay with readers long after they put down your book. With flat, static characters your story won’t be compelling enough to keep readers hooked and they won’t come back for more no matter how exciting or twisty your plot is.

Therapy can help you develop your own character arc, but also help you track and create character arcs of your own for your stories. If you can’t explain why Katniss was ready to be the face of the revolution after the first HUNGER GAMES book, then you don’t understand how trauma has affected her and motivates her. If you don’t understand why your quiet, shy main character would suddenly turn into a crime fighting badass, you don’t understand their motivation and the rest of the story falls flat.

Audiences connect best with characters that we can understand, even if their actions are disagreeable. Everyone has a favorite character in the Game of Thrones and not ONE of those characters are not problematic. Heck, we even root for the bad guy every once in a while because maybe the Joker does have a point about capitalism in Gotham. *shrug emoji*

Therapy can be a wonderful asset to your own development, but it can also grant you perspective and insight into the world around you and inside of you. Go to therapy. Learn about yourself. Learn about your characters. Be a better writer (and human) for it.

Getting my Sh*t Together

A one page reusable planner that I created to help me

I was scrolling through TikTok, as a one does while procrastinating, when I came across a video that said that planners and organizers don’t really work for neurodiverse folks because when the planner is closed, we promptly forget about it.

As someone with OCD, I know that I tend to get lost in the spiral of my thoughts and compulsions. Sometimes, I can lose whole days to this and then, I get frustrated that I didn’t seem to get anything done.

So, I thought that I should create a single page that I could keep on my kitchen counter and look at throughout the day. I got it printed and laminated at Staples for $3 and picked up a pack of wet-erase markers.

I’m only on the second day of using this tool, but it’s already been worth it. When I have gotten distracted by helping my kids or getting interrupted or my thoughts consuming me, I got back to my planner page and got back to business. Yesterday was a great day and I even added more chores to my list because I accomplished so much!

This is an example of things being difficult and instead of me trying to “fix” myself to be more organized or to be “better” about using my planner, I made a tool that works better for me.

As someone with a mental illness, I have worked a lot of my life to try and “fix” my brain, to change myself to fit the world better. But, I’m very proud that I’m not doing that anymore. I’m no longer trying and failing to make myself smaller to fit into the boxes better. I’m changing the size of the boxes completely. I’m dismantling them.

It is incredibly freeing! You should try it sometime!

Now, I’m excited to think of other, new ways that I could change things to help me, to serve me better.

Asking for Help

I know that people are entirely sick of hearing about the pandemic and all the suffering that people have endured over the last year of this crisis. (Also, I can’t believe that it’s already been a year!)

My little family was working so hard to be safe. My husband was working as a first responder, but my kids and I don’t go anywhere and we’ve been wearing masks everywhere since last March. My husband was proud and happy to get his first dose of the Moderna vaccine! And THEN…

He got sick first, obviously catching it somewhere at work. And then I was next and then both kids. Since it was right after his first dose of the vaccine, it was likely that he caught it the same weekend as his vaccine dose. It was just crappy timing and bad luck.

So, we were sick and locked down and thankfully, we were able to completely shut off contact with the world until our quarantine time was over. And after reaching out to our friends, they all asked how they could help.

And I’m terrible at asking for help. Like, I need to be drowning before reaching out for the buoy. And I almost never ask for help (other than consulting with medical professionals) when our family comes down with the flu or someone is sick.

After getting through Covid, I realized that I need to ask for help more often. There is no trophy for the moral righteousness of suffering. And, I’m not taking up too much space by asking for assistance, especially in illness and crisis. There are people who love me and WANT to help me. By pushing them away, I am not doing our relationship any justice and it only fosters a distance between the people who love me and who I love.

So, I’m trying to get better at asking for help. I’m trying to reach out to the people I love when I am struggling, because I don’t get extra points for trying it on my own.

How do you ask for help in your life? What are some things that you *could* do alone but it’s better to do with help? 🙂

Bad Brain Days

Everyone has Bad Brain Days, but maybe you haven’t been able to label them yet. They sneak up on you, shimmering in the corners of your vision. They are when everything feels miscalibrated, off-center by a half inch. Bad Brain Days are when your skin might feel a little tight on your bones, you are itchy and taut with anxiety, your mind seems so loud and focusing is off the table. Bad Brain Days might feel like the pit of despair seems a little higher than normal, the darkness even darker, and the grief suffocating.

I used to get worried about labeling these Bad Brain Days because our culture of toxic positivity rang in my ear that I should “find the silver lining”, “show gratitude” or the worst: “Fake it ‘Til You Make it.” But, that meant that I would spend so much energy fighting against the Bad Brain Days that a day would sometime string into a week or a month and I would be so, so tired.

By labeling them, I’ve gotten better at seeing what sets them off (lack of sleep, hormones, junk food, alcohol, a nightmare, a bad memory, a global pandemic, etc) and I don’t feel the urge to fight against them as much. The Badness, just like the Goodness, is a piece of me and I’m done fighting with myself. Now, I’m empowered to let the Badness wash over me and begone to another day.

By calling them what they are, I’m grabbing that snake in the grass by its jaw, looking it in the eye and saying, “You may have today, but you will not have tomorrow.”

So, if you’ve had a recent Bad Brain Day, you aren’t alone. I’ll be here to pat the grass beside me and we’ll wait together for the Badness to ebb away again.